Another night stretching into the early hours. I'm left feeling no better today than any other day. Still not tired, I have no idea why this bout of insomnia has hit me. These last few weeks have stretched on and on, the days have kinda merged into one horrible dream. I'm so spaced out and distant. I'm lonely. I have been watching so many films, old films, new films.. I'm on a indie rom/com hype too (Good Will Hunting, Garden State, Punch, Drunk, Love) Its refreshing to come away from a film feeling something different, changing gear as it were. I think I'm getting soft again. The thought of being with someone has seemed like a dangerous possibility these last couple of years but now, not so much. But the one thing I dream of, is a dog to keep me company. A little buddy to talk to and walk and go out for little adventures with. Each day won't be long and tedious and all about my feelings. There will be a new center to my universe.I have already decided he will be named Rufus. Hopefully once I'm feeling better and able to hold down a job I can start saving.
Every night I relive the same scenes of my past, what would I do or say different. How would I better myself. But what does it really matter the past is the past. I'm sure those who have hurt me and I hurt them don't think about me. Anyway I can't concentrate anymore. I wonder if anyone will read this, or will this be another hollow call into the void.
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
Friday, 14 October 2016
It’s been a while since I’ve had a moan on here, so now is as good a time as any to start up again. The last few weeks have found me at my lowest ebb. Not getting out of bed, not wanting to talk or eat. And withdrawing, feeling like I might never come back.. plus I’m out of work again. But I’m feeling just a little better now and I am taking some medicine for my anxiety. I’m able to take walks again and can watch films and read. When I’m in a bad way I can’t get out of my head for a minute so reading is near impossible. At this point I really don’t know what the future holds and for once that doesn’t scare the shit outta me. I just want to feel relatively secure for a change. I’m sick of being up and down. Not knowing when I’m next going to lose my shit and have a bad turn.Anyway that’s enough for now. I’m currently reading the Bruce Springsteen bio’ and have been listening to lots of Leonard Cohen, Nick Cave and Radiohead.