Saturday, 27 August 2016

keep trying

I don't think I will ever get a job and I feel sad. When I take a step outta my own skin and look through maturer eyes, I just feel useless. I could easily conform and be grateful for whatever shit job some bastard will hire me to do. But I have decided not to compromise anymore, I will not spiral into another depression because I can't be myself. I can't keep blaming other people for my problems, I will always be the problem. I can sit inside my own four walls forever, with my books and films. And tragic singer songwriters but I long to be a real person. To have a physical presence in our world, I like all of us feel I have something unique to offer. Whether that be writing, songs or whatever. I just hope my efforts aren't in vain. I wish someone had the answers and could put their hand on my shoulder and just say, Ben all will be well soon, this pain you feel, It is going to be worth it in the long run. So keep reading, keep writing and don't stop dreaming. Because one day you'll be old. And life will be over, so keep believing.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

Struggle of an old man sat on a bench

We don't just die
It takes longer
there's no sweet release
depending on how long it takes to be found
dead found on the toilet
discovered under the sheets
under a bridge
down alley ways or behind bins
we're buried by our loved ones
burnt to nothing
turned to dust
some left to fester
rot and return to mush and dirt
walking away
there part done
no blood on their hands

We don't just die
once former loves
those that loathed us
Then we sale our ship
looking out to sea

Monday, 22 August 2016

Our mind keeps dreams in tiny glass bottles with holes in.

It's a crazy feeling that I can recall certain moments from my life, with such clarity that they could have just happened. But they didn't, they're from a different time. And the glue that holds them together seems to give and flake away the more time that passes. So now the memories aren't as whole as what they once were, whats left is the question of what actually happened. What has my subconsciousness filled in? One night I walked down empty streets. Across fields wet with morning dew. Tiny yellow eyes poking out of bushes and trees. My path lit by the stars and moon. With just the music from my earphones. I can't remember if it was a winter or spring. And for what reason did I take that night for myself, to leave a memory that holds up as a wondrous moment of my adolescence. The stars shone brighter than you could imagine. Like tiny flecks of light from a sea now gone. The moon looming, a unmovable plate. Fields stretched on beyond the realms of possibility. I was lifted to the sky too tired to walk any more. Dancing on clouds and kissed the moon goodnight. Waving down to all beneath me. Only I walked the earth that night. But for all I know I could have been at home, tucked up in bed and that's where my dreams took me. I choose to remember that I did take that journey, that I was alone with my thoughts and the song still rings that I tearfully sung. In this perfect moment, a part of me will remain. Lost in time.

Monday, 15 August 2016


I have spent years of my life, bottling my feelings away, one by one. Every doubt, regret and fear in the world. Till I exploded. Anxiety crippled me. I couldn't leave the house without having a raging fit. I cried and cried before leaving for work. I dragged myself off each day to a job that was pointless, I couldn't eat. I just slept and slept. It was the day David Bowie died. I found out in the morning and felt my heart pulled out from my chest. I couldn't speak, I carried on pushing things deeper inside till I felt sick and could hardly stand. I ran down stairs and fell into a pool of tears. I was sent home. My old work friends never looked at me in the same way after that, they teased me and I left a week later. Humiliated.

What I remember from that day is a tearful phone call with my mum on the beach. She is the only one that understands. She listens and gives so much. Her calming reassurances reminded me of when I started secondary school, we'd moved across the country on our own, it was difficult transition. I would leave school early. Walk over to her work in tears, she'd run out and hug we and wipe the tears away. Eight years later I feel no different, just as alone and useless. On that beach it was so cold, people were walking by with there dogs, smiles pasted on there faces pretending all was well. Since then I have locked myself away, within my fortress of books and cds. Only art holds the answers.

Sunday, 14 August 2016

See A Little Light

Being a vegetarian is easy when you live off sugary breakfast cereals, toast and chips(fries to you Americans).
But I have been getting increasingly unfit, being out of work and living off less than nourishing sugary/fatty foods. So I've pushed myself these last few days to get back into walking more, running and exercise with a ban on cheese and beer :( I have been trying to motivate myself with reading great Morrissey quotes from his old interviews. And it reminds me why I became a Vegetarian in the first place, to better myself and be more aware of what and whom I shouldn't be eating.

Last night I watched Drive. I'd heard great things about this film and regard Ryan Gosling (the king of independent films) as one of this century's most talented actors. I was blown away, I felt instantly gripping by the cool California night getaway scene. And a killer soundtrack featuring Daft Punk. Combined with a great director, all star cameos (Bryan Cranston, Oscar Issac) It had the feel of all the great action/thriller films from the 80's, with none of the silliness.. Drive is just a refreshing, clever film. (Even though I'm a few years late to the party).

I've been revisiting the Sugar/Bob Mould albums recently. I really enjoyed his autobiography See A Little Light' some months ago, and now find going through his back catalogue all the more rewarding and inspiring. It's so rare to find an artist that can rock out so hard, and deliver stirring heartfelt lyricism. His latest album I was turned onto via the Ryan Adams/Bob Mould interview on NPR. And the song Hold On' Is a triumph and could slot onto any of his greatest albums. If you've never listened to Bob Mould I suggest you do as you will find a man that has been creating consistently great music for over three decades.

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Spotify - Benstewartr

Friday, 12 August 2016


WildMind playlist #1 - Blood Meridian

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - Breakdown
Aphex Twins - Avril 14th
Cass McCombs - Pleasant Shadow Song
Steve Gunn - Ancient Jules
Kurt Vile - Wheelhouse
Elliott Smith - Going Nowhere
Angel Olsen - White Fire
Radiohead - Kid A
DIIV - Yr Not Far
Warpaint - Love Is To Die
Marika Hackman - Skin
Sun Kil Moon - Unlit Hallway
Bob Mould - Hold On

My playlists will be a eclectic mix of new/old indie rock,classic rock, alternative country, folk, lo-fi indie and much more of the weird and wonderful music I happen to discover.

Spotify - Benstewartr
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This is my first blog post in a few years. I started a blog when I left school and was coming out of a bad relationship. Now I hope this blog can be a positive outlet for another turbulent time in my life.

I have been out of work now for a couple of months. I was working in a coffee shop, which was an okay job. I had to leave as I was having panic attacks, so bad that each day was a new hell. I have always had pretty terrible social anxiety. I hate being in big crowds, unfortunately I live in a busy seaside town so there is no escape. I do miss the winter as the town is deserted and so are the beaches, I love nothing more than to walk on a icy cold day here in england.

I'd describe myself as being quite restless. I'm never really to content doing one thing for too long. I like to move on fast. I haven't been out of work since my early teens. I've always had the odd job, whether that be part time or full time. So really this is the first break I've had in a long time.
I'm always reading, researching or writing in some form. My biggest influences are those of the beat movement, Burroughs, Kerouac, Bukowski, Fante. I love the down and out tales, the never say die attitude and grit, living in shit and just scraping by. It seems a world away from the luxuries and accessories we all consume today.

This first post has been a brief introduction to me, I will probably post daily content that will include book/film reviews, playlists, gig reviews and just my daily activities. If you'd like to know more about me, check out my tumblr