Is anyone as tired as I am

Another night stretching into the early hours. I'm left feeling no better today than any other day. Still not tired, I have no idea why this bout of insomnia has hit me. These last few weeks have stretched on and on, the days have kinda merged into one horrible dream. I'm so spaced out and distant. I'm lonely. I have been watching so many films, old films, new films.. I'm on a indie rom/com  hype too (Good Will Hunting, Garden State, Punch, Drunk, Love) Its refreshing to come away from a film feeling something different, changing gear as it were. I think I'm getting soft again. The thought of being with someone has seemed like a dangerous possibility these last couple of years but now, not so much. But the one thing I dream of, is a dog to keep me company. A little buddy to talk to and walk and go out for little adventures with. Each day won't be long and tedious and all about my feelings. There will be a new center to my universe.I have already decided he will be named Rufus. Hopefully once I'm feeling better and able to hold down a job I can start saving.
Every night I relive the same scenes of my past, what would I do or say different. How would I better myself. But what does it really matter the past is the past. I'm sure those who have hurt me and I hurt them don't think about me. Anyway I can't concentrate anymore. I wonder if anyone will read this, or will this be another hollow call into the void.

keep trying

I don't think I will ever get a job and I feel sad. When I take a step outta my own skin and look through maturer eyes, I just feel useless. I could easily conform and be grateful for whatever shit job some bastard will hire me to do. But I have decided not to compromise anymore, I will not spiral into another depression because I can't be myself. I can't keep blaming other people for my problems, I will always be the problem. I can sit inside my own four walls forever, with my books and films. And tragic singer songwriters but I long to be a real person. To have a physical presence in our world, I like all of us feel I have something unique to offer. Whether that be writing, songs or whatever. I just hope my efforts aren't in vain. I wish someone had the answers and could put their hand on my shoulder and just say, Ben all will be well soon, this pain you feel, It is going to be worth it in the long run. So keep reading, keep writing and don't stop dreaming. Because one day you'll be old. And life will be over, so keep believing.

Our mind keeps dreams in tiny glass bottles with holes in.

It's a crazy feeling that I can recall certain moments from my life, with such clarity that they could have just happened. But they didn't, they're from a different time. And the glue that holds them together seems to give and flake away the more time that passes. So now the memories aren't as whole as what they once were, whats left is the question of what actually happened. What has my subconsciousness filled in? One night I walked down empty streets. Across fields wet with morning dew. Tiny yellow eyes poking out of bushes and trees. My path lit by the stars and moon. With just the music from my earphones. I can't remember if it was a winter or spring. And for what reason did I take that night for myself, to leave a memory that holds up as a wondrous moment of my adolescence. The stars shone brighter than you could imagine. Like tiny flecks of light from a sea now gone. The moon looming, a unmovable plate. Fields stretched on beyond the realms of possibility. I was lifted to the sky too tired to walk any more. Dancing on clouds and kissed the moon goodnight. Waving down to all beneath me. Only I walked the earth that night. But for all I know I could have been at home, tucked up in bed and that's where my dreams took me. I choose to remember that I did take that journey, that I was alone with my thoughts and the song still rings that I tearfully sung. In this perfect moment, a part of me will remain. Lost in time.